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Chicken Bones For You

Dunno who
I am officially pissed off. Today my mother called me for lunch downstairs. I was really hungry. When my mother told us to go downstairs to eat, I was elated. You know, when you have empty stomach and you get told to eat lunch, you'd get excited too. So I went downstairs. Mother cooked fried chicken. However only chicken bones are left for me. The others are all eaten or saved for my other siblings. So I get to eat the bones. Really?? I don't think so. I don't want to eat chicken bones. Why does my mother save chicken to my siblings when I get to eat the bones? I don't want bones, I want the chicken. So I cooked scrambled egg in frustration and ate them. Why do I get to have the 'spares'? There goes my chance to eat fried chicken. Needless to say, I am disappointed and mad. I think it's really unfair. They get to eat two pieces of fried chicken and me? Nothing. Mother offered me the bones, and I felt insulted. Offering me chicken bones? I feel so pitiful.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Dunno who
It's Chinese New Year again. I went to my Chinese friend's house last night with my fiance, his brother and my friend to celebrate with her. She invited us over to dinner. She lives in a new house now, and I have to say that the house is big, with big drive through and automatic gate. I want the gate too, lol. Anyway, it was like Eid to me. There were food; cakes, biscuits, rice, chicken, fish, 'sambal', cucumbers,drinks and a nice, cosy atmosphere. I rather like the small crowd of people (us, lol) than a large crowd of people. I'm just glad there weren't that many people there last night. 

On another note, I have the flu. Everytime it's Chinese New Year, it's always flu season. I'm not blaming the new year for the flu though, it's just that Chinese New Year falls on January-February, which is a nasty time for Brunei. We always have that hot in mornings and cold at nights during this time. It's easy to fall sick. Some of my siblings and friends are also affected by the flu. I just hope this will go away. My throat is sore. 

It's the Year of the Snake this year. By birth year, my Chinese zodiac is snake, but by month, I'm still the dragon. Since Chinese New Year is different than Roman year, I'm dragon. Snake doesn't sound as cool as dragon. It's just a small version of dragon, so I'm dragon please. 

I have too many assignments to do. It's not that I don't want to do them, I just don't feel motivated. You see, my sister's friends says that she'll pay me when I have done her assignments. Apparently I have done one assignment, so she needs to pay me. I'm broke. But no, she gives me 2 more assignments. I need the money for motivation. How do I know she'll not slander me? Yes, I can be distrustful and skeptical. I want my money to make the assignment. The assignment is hard enough, and I also have things to deal with.

I guess that I'm just demotivated. Nothing seems to stimulate my mind these days. My brain is clogged. It's not functioning well. I need inspiration, something to keep me going. But everything is just boring. I'm like an empty shell, void of everything internally. I played keyboard yesterday, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I did. I forgot all songs in my head. I don't know how to play anymore. 

Why can't it be me?

Blog Challenge~

Dunno who
Just thought that this would be fun to do, and besides I have some free time. :3 I will start writing tomorrow, since I'm too lazy at the moment, lol. So here's the blog challenge: 
Everyday, write a letter to the corresponding person. Post the letter as a blog post.
Day 1 — Your Best Friend 
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents 
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative) 
Day 5 — Your dreams 
Day 6 — A stranger 
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush 
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend 
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet 
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to 
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to 
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain 
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you 
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from 
Day 15 — The person you miss the most 
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country 
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood 
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be 
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad 
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest 
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression 
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to 
Day 23 — The last person you kissed 
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory 
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times 
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to 
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day 
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life 
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to 
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

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Selfishness~

Dunno who
I don't know why some people are so selfish to the point that they want to harm others to get what they want. I admit that I'm selfish sometimes, but I can think. Sometimes I'm selfish just to get attention. But in no way that I am an attention seeker. I prefer to be silent more than anything. I'm just wondering how people can get so selfish that they would do anything, even if it means hurting other people. I always saw in the movies about people who will do anything to get wealth or fame, even by means of foul plays. I know that the world is unfair, but when I see things like that, I'm often wondering, why can't people just be content with what they have? If you can't have it, then why hurt others to get it? That's not fair play. If you're meant to have it, then you will get it. If not, then there will be something better for you. I always think positively about things. I believe in karma. What goes around comes back around. If you do good, then you'll get rewarded. If you do bad, then you'll be punished. If not in this life, then in the afterlife. So there's no need to be unfair. In the end, what you do in this world will determine what you get in the afterlife. 

Another thing that I dislike is attention seekers. They're everywhere! I almost can't believe the sheer numbers of this category of people. In Facebook alone, there were numerous attention seekers. I don't understand why people seek attention from other people. I see people in a detached way, and when you seek too much attention from strangers, you are just showing your weakness to unnecessary people. And one thing that I know is that by showing your weakness, one day someone will use that against you. You can say that weakness is feelings, but some feelings are not weaknesses, like hope, or dream, or will, or love. Whining does show our weaknesses to other people. I'm not saying that you should bottle up all the feelings. I'm just saying that you should find someone you really trust and share with them. Not by posting on public social sites for some cheap sympathy. Generally people don't care if they don't know you. Some may be curious, but most of them see your whinings as cheap entertainment. And they may even be amused. And some may think that your problems are stupid. Do you want your your troubles to be ridiculed by others? No? Yeah, I thought so too. 

On another note, I have already registered for the semester, yay! But I still need to study harder since I miss too many classes. I don't know if I can handle this semester, but I have to try harder. But I haven't got anything done at all. I need to start right. I am always procrastinating, and it's really, really a bad habit. I can't seem to break out of it. 

Right now, I feel like I'm drifting apart from my friends. Even from my best friends. It seems to be my fault because I'm carefree, so I don't bother maintaining the relationships. Let's just say that it's my fault. I do feel some remorse but what do I do? Nothing. I just let it be. Sooner or later I'm really going to regret this. They have been good friends, and I'm the jerk. But I do feel left out from everything that they do. So I don't bother. I feel like I'm a black sheep or a burden to them. It's embarrassing and shameful. 

I hate it when I feel useless, and right now I do. It's not about other people, it's about me. Sometimes I want to be understood, but at the same time I don't want people to know how I really feel. I always believe that by revealing all of my thoughts, people will think that I'm insane or weak, or both. Mentally I'm strong, but there are times when I really feel down. It manifests into nightmare too, one that keeps me awake at nights. I don't like it one single bit. I am too emotional. But only in my mind, not on the outside. People see me as this calm and collected person on the outside, but inside I'm just a chaotic mess. I keep up a calm facade on the outside, hiding what I really feel inside. I have yet to trust someone with all of my feelings. Until I open up to someone, I will keep this up for as long as it takes. Or never.

I'm invited to the company dinner this 20th March. It was a company that I worked with years ago. I don't know if I can come or not. But most probably I can, since my sister said that she's coming. Anyway we live in the same house, and I really want to come. I want the food! Hehe.. Last year's company dinner was okay. I like food, and the Season's Restaurant has some of the best food. In 2009, we had company dinner in the restaurant, and I like the atmosphere. But I think this year will be boring, most probably because there will be an annoying face. But that's just a glitch. Argh, I did it again. I'm mean. 

I need to start on the assignments. Now! Oh, it's too dark.. Later then..

Accidents Everywhere~

Dunno who
I've noticed that Brunei isn't such a safe country anymore. News of stolen items are everywhere. Last night my sister got blocked by three guys, apparently drunk ones. Thankfully her friend backed her up. Otherwise, I don't want to imagine what would happen if she were alone. Assaults are also often heard now. Burglaries are everywhere. It's really unnerving. What's wrong with Brunei now? Why are people so impatient and so unbelievable? I don't think that Brunei is such a bad country, but the people in it are getting worse. 

On National Day, 23rd February, a male friend of mine got involved in an accident. He wasn't hurt badly, but his car was beyond recognition. It was upside down and the passenger seat was beaten. If he brought a passenger with him, I don't think that the passenger would escape unhurt. 

And yesterday, a day after my friend's accident, my boyfriend's parents, his younger brother and his younger sister were involved in an accident. This was apparently another person's fault, driving without a driving license and hitting them from behind, sending the car to overturn for 4 times apparently. I was at the scene after the accident. I saw the scrapes of glasses, the beaten car, and the crowds. It was an unpleasant sight. His parent are okay, except for minor injuries. His siblings are okay too. I'm glad that they're all safe. The kid that hit them from behind, he's more than okay, except for the fact that they'd have to pay for the damages to the car. I don't think the car would be fixed, and it's almost impossible to fix it back. 

The kid turned in, that's a good thing. For my boyfriend, I know he won't forgive the kid. I understand his feelings, the worry he'd felt before we came to the accident scene. The worry he'd felt when his parents were taken to the hospital. I know that feeling well. It reminds me of my sister, and her accident was far worse than this. My sister is alive and very well now, but when I think about it, it was horrifying. My sister was involved in a hit-and-run accident. The guy who hit her was a retired policeman, so the case never went to trial. It was pure injustice, and ironic, considering that the guy was a policeman. A man of justice breaking rules are common anyway, and the horrible thing is that they never got punished. Where is law when the law is there but not implemented? My sister was in a coma for a week, living on the verge of death. We were anguished. The feeling of almost losing your loved ones are very hurtful. I know that feeling well. And that's why I kept quiet the whole time yesterday. It almost made me cry. Almost. Well okay, I cried a little bit, but I don't think they saw it. My boyfriend almost cried too; he was worried about his family. 

I hope everyone will be well soon. I hope my boyfriend's family and my friend will be well and get better soon. I think it'd put people to trauma of driving or riding a car. I just hope drivers in Brunei would drive carefully, and DON'T drive without driving license. This things could happen to anyone, no matter how safely you drive. But it's always better to drive safely. I have pictures of the accident, but that is personal. Generally I don't think people who were involved in an accident or the family of the people involved in an accident would be happy to see the accident pictures, especially if it involves fatality. It's rude. 

On another note, I'm on vacation now for a week, but I still have things to do. Assignments are piling up, so I need to start doing them. No more breaks for me. -_- Also, the before-engagement ceremony has to be postponed due to yesterday's accident. 

I want to eat Dream Cones!

Green Slip Trouble~

Dunno who
I just saw my (future) lecturer today about a course that I should be taking. I haven't seen him for a while, and every time I went to see him in his office, he wasn't there. So I had to send him an email to make an appointment with him. It's a bother to both me and him. He told me I should've seen him earlier. I know that too. If only I didn't think I was intruding on him. Now I am. And it never feels good. Next week will be the semester break, so before semester break, I hope everything about the green slip and registration for this semester will be done. I still haven't registered for the semester and I don't intend on delaying it further. It's been weeks now and I should've registered weeks ago, if I wasn't procrastinating.

I feel that this semester the duration is too short. On Wednesday I'll have a test, but I don't have any single clue on what to read, mainly because I've only been to class twice, including one field trip, which essentially means that I've only been to class once. This is not good. -_-; I've thought that I'd be more diligent this semester, but it turns out that I'm even lazier than before. I should change now if I want to graduate.

I feel so tired these days. I just want to sleep all day. It's probably because I have too much on my mind. Actually registering for the courses have filled up most of the spaces in my brain. I have too many 'what if's. I'm worried that my registration will be rejected. Tomorrow I'll have to sort everything up, go to the administration and register for my courses. Otherwise I won't make it through this semester. The thought alone frightens me. >.< I know it's my fault, so I'll have to do something to make it right.

I think I'm going to get engaged in the near future. I think. I hope that everything goes well with me and my future. I do love him, but I can't imagine life after marriage. Where do I live? How do I get by? Am I doing the right thing? I hope I do. I'll pray for the best of our future. I hope I'm not choosing wrong.

I need chocolates!

Sigh..

Dunno who
Tomorrow I'll have presentation, and although I've finished the slides, I won't know what I'm going to say. It's just that my slides say pretty much all that I want to say. You know, I've always hated presentations, and that's why I don't take education field. I'm pretty bad in public speaking. I hate getting all the attention. I guess I'll just have to go through tomorrow. Also I have something I need to submit to the dean. My green slip. >.< It's been a week now so I'll have to pay the fine. I don't want to get expelled just because of a green paper. All of my years of studying would be worthless. Although I pretty much didn't do anything for the past years. But still, it would be a pity to get expelled because of something petty like this. I think this is a petty thing, but the lecturers beg to differ. I guess rules are rules, and I have to follow them. No point in arguing anyway. 

It's true that I think feelings will make us weaker. And that's why right now I have an overwhelming feeling of dread and despair. I do have one solution to this problem, that is, to throw everything away, but it's always easier said than done. Why is everything so complicated? Why can't life be easier? I know some things in life are given, but most of them are gained by our own efforts. So no matter how hard life is, I know I will prevail. True, I may have negative outlook in life, but I'm an optimistic person. I see that every problem has solution. It's up to us to take an approach in life. We may encounter hardships along the way, but there are always ways to overcome them. So no matter what, I'll keep trying to be better and make things better, just because I am me, and I always want to live my life in peace and calm, and I just want to smile and be happy. It may sound cheesy coming from me, but then again, everyone's entitled to their own opinion. And this is my inner thought.

Why is there no one when I'm in despair? I know sometimes I push people away when I need them the most because I'm afraid of getting rejected. Deep inside, I want to be heard. But I'm also afraid that I would burden others and push them away. I sometimes wish that I'm not too self-conscious, but I am. It's hard to let go of these traits. 

Those 'ketupats' are so yummy!

The Materialistic World We Live in Today

Dunno who
Every time I see beautiful girls, I see people who are trying too hard to be beautiful. It's not always a bad thing, but the image speaks too loud. It shows us the materialistic world in which we live in today. It's sad that people have to go for operations to be beautiful. Liposuction, botox, nose jobs, boob jobs. What are they? Why are people trying so hard to be beautiful? The result of media which broadcast the ideal image of the modern people today. In order to be accepted into a circle of the society, people go to such extremes as changing their face, and whatnot. I see too many artificial faces now. But the personality is something that most people overlook. There's no use in having beautiful faces but nasty personality to me. 

All of the operations to be beautiful are so artificial. And materialistic. There are many people starving out there, and yet there are people who waste many on these useless things. People waste food over here, but over there people live in famine, unable to find a single scrap worth eating. People live in posh and lavish mansions, and yet some people are dying from poverty. Why can't the world share instead of being too greedy? If there is no corruption, then this world will be a better place. I've heard of countries raking in too much profit, yet their people still live in poverty. Being greedy and not wanting to share is the plight of the world today. 

Consumerism is another thing. People just spend and spend their money on things that they don't need, to the extent that they went bankrupt themselves. It's a pathetic and shameless thing. There's a limit to how much people can spend. If you can't afford something, then don't buy it. But with the media showing people things that they thought they need, people are tempted to buy things, even beyond their budget limit. Actually we don't need much money to live, but we have desires to buy those fancy food that we saw in Secret Recipe, or that cute high heels we saw in Charles & Keith, or those sparkly handbags that we saw in Gucci. In the end, they fell into an endless cycle of debt. I've seen these things happening before, and I don't intend to repeat the story again. 

It disgusts me. All talks about money, about needing money, about wanting money, about how to get money, about how to save money, about why we don't have money, and the likes. It's all about money today. No money, no talk. With money, you can do anything. Why does the world has to be like this? All those wars, there are for resources and for the sake of getting profits, and eventually, for money. People sacrificed for money. People killed for money. The world today is so disgusting. Money is always in people's mind. I do think money is important, but not to the point of harming other people to get money, or even harming myself to get money. It's essential for living, if you don't want to live in the jungle. But then again, it makes people greedy if there's too many of those. So it's best if it's in moderation. 

Enough with the gloomy talk.

Yesterday I went out with my friends to Airport Mall, and they played bowling. I was just watching. I'm not good at bowling. One time, I dropped the bowling ball backwards. And people were watching too. It was really embarrassing. That's not counting how many times the ball fall into the gutter. So I have to say that I'm pretty bad at bowling. But I played once yesterday. It wasn't that bad. Scored 8/10. Then we went to the Mall for lunch. At first we were planning to go to Pizza Hut, but then the place was packed full, so we went to Cheezbox instead. The service was too slow, so we ended up not going back to the uni, even though we had a class. Skipping class on the first week of school, if my mother knew, she'd kill me. Well, literally anyway. We went for window shopping, and then to the arcade to play some games and karaoke. It was pretty fun. I haven't had an outing with my friends for such a long time that I don't remember how it feels to spend time with them. Lately I'm always going out with my boyfriend, not that it's a bad thing, but I'd like to spend more time with my friends. But school just started so there's plenty of time. But again, to go out, I have to have money. *sighs* Oh well...

This semester's time table is so not very flexible. Every day is filled with all subjects, and I hate to admit it, but I have to be extra diligent if I want to graduate this year. The thought of it makes me shiver. I'm not one to be diligent. But I have to try. I failed two of my courses semesters ago, so I have to make them up by taking them this final semester. It's going to be tough, but I know I can do it if I have to. 

I just ate chocolates and I think I'm chocolate-hyper now. 

Back to School~

Dunno who
Thinking about school makes me sick. School will reopen three days later for me, but I don't want to go to school. >.< I failed two subjects and I have to re-take them this semester, since this is the last semester for me. I know that it was my fault that I failed them both (one subject: I hated maths so I didn't turn in any assignments; another subject: the class was until 6pm, so I never showed up in class =_=), I hope all will go well. I told him already about this and he was annoyed, but then again, I'll take responsibility for this since I was the one who screwed up my future. It's my future that I'm dealing with, not anybody's future. I know people mean well, but then again, I loathe people who interfere with my personal business. This is why I rarely tell people my problems. They judge me. I, for one, am not quick to judge people. I observe and I conclude. Sure there are people who irritate me to the core, and I do my best to avoid them.

On another note, I might have to take 6 subjects this semester. Ugh, the thought of it fills my mind. -_-; I really hate having too many classes. But then again, I brought this upon myself so I deserve this. =_= Besides this is my last semester, and that thought seems comforting enough. I just have to study harder and pass all of the subjects. I can do this! My new year resolution is to study harder and be more diligent. Then again, that new year resolution never changes for 11 years, so I have to have the same new year resolution over and over again. -_-;

I really want to go out before class starts. I ALWAYS have this urge to go out and have some fun before the real nightmare begins. Actually I like studying (if the subject is interesting), but the prospect of doing assignments doesn't appeal much to me. And then there are tests, projects, exams. Ugh, those things really ruin education. I think I want to watch a movie, or just hanging out in the arcade, or maybe karaoke, or restaurants, or maybe bowling. I haven't played bowling for months now. I'm starting to miss the ache after playing bowling. Weird, eh?

Engaged! Engaged! Engaged! Now that irritates me to the core. -.-

What's on My Mind?

Dunno who
Truth be told, I really have nothing to post. It's not because I have nothing on my mind, in fact, I have too much on my mind. But I cannot find words to express what I feel inside. Call me sentimental. Maybe I am, a little bit, but I don't show it on the outside. Nothing good comes from revealing our weakness to the world. Anyway, I've just read About Aquarius on Facebook, and some of the facts really show about my personality. It's not that I believe them; it just makes me feel at home, and I feel that I can relate to something. It makes me feel that I'm normal. I've always thought that I'm weird, but I think I'm just being me.

One of the many quotes there states that "Aquarians will feel that they're helpless if they're emotionally attached to someone". Now I have to agree with that. I constantly feel that way when I become too close to people. I instantly build a wall to prevent someone from getting too close. I think that's why I have many acquaintances, but never really close trusted friends. Sure I have best friends, but I don't think I can tell them too much of the stories of my life. Usually I keep it all inside, and when I suffer, I suffer alone. Showing weaknesses makes me feel incapable, so I rarely tell anyone anything and I rarely ever ask for help when dealing with problems. I always think that I have answers to everything, but deep inside, I know that that's not the case. I know that I need to share with people, but I have trust issues, so I don't wish to tell something to anybody. Being betrayed won't feel good, I bet. I have yet to find someone like that, but I'm not taking any chances. 

Today I've read about 6 Bruneians who were killed in Sabah when they went on a trip to Kota Kinabalu. The Bruneian tourist bus was speeding, so they hit a tree. My condolences to the families of the victims. I went to KK too this early December, and I'm thankful that we're safe and sound in Brunei. If I had been on this bus, well, I don't know what to think. People should be more careful on the road. It's very dangerous these days, what with people speeding and acting as if their houses will run away from them and they have to chase them. It's stupid. You can't buy lives in supermarkets, so you have to value them, not throw them away. 

Recently I feel too smothered. I hate being praised for something that isn't me. It makes me feel that the compliment is just something to make me feel better, but really doesn't mean a thing, or even true. It's not even worthy to be called a compliment when someone's just being sarcastic. I know some people mean good, but it doesn't make me feel good. It makes me question the intention of giving the compliment. I may be a cynic when it comes to this, but I have my own reason. I rarely give compliments unless I think they're worthy of one. And when I give compliments, I really mean them. They're genuine and truly felt with my heart. 

Why do I think too much? Why do I ponder over things too much? It makes my brain work too much, but I think it's best to let the mind roam. Or not? There are times when I feel too positive, and mostly I am. But I show pessimism to the world. People who doesn't know me will say that I have low confidence. But actually I have a very high self confidence, and I am optimistic in life. I just don't show it. I'm being humble. It never hurts people to know that I'm humble to the core.

I feel that we should respect others to be respected. I treat people the way they treat me. But if people do me wrong, I don't want to waste my time dealing with them. I just ignore them and walk away. No energy wasted on these types of people. Why don't some people understand this concept? Some people hold a grudge for too long, and it eats them from the inside. They can't forgive, so they can't let it go. Why let one single thing ruin our life forever? I don't think it's worth it. I saw a Facebook status that says that he'd rather die than live without his girlfriend who left him for another guy. Why throw your life away over this? There are many other girls out there who will take her place in the future. Move on. No use over dying for useless love like this. Why can't people see that there are so many people out there that can be your partner later? You don't just meet a person in your entire lifetime. You meet with many people. I always think that it's pathetic to make someone your centre of life. As if we don't have a life. 

My sister bought Double Tuesday pizzas from Pizza Hut for my other sister's belated birthday celebration. Oh, I just love pizza, especially my favourite Tuna Delight pizza. Okay, my mouth is watering now, lol. I also have plans to try some dishes in Delifrance too later after I have my allowance. I don't think it will come out early, so I'm just hoping now without actually hoping too much, lol. My wish list for next year is Samsung Gio, and I'm going to buy it next year in late January or early February. I hope all goes well.

I'm now watching Skip Beat! on dramacrazy.net. It's from one of my favourite anime and I'm excited! :D I'm hoping that I'll get to see all the chapters. It's a new Taiwanese series and there's only episode 1 uploaded. So I'm hoping for more, since the first episode is good. 

Why, oh, why do people assume too much?